What Moana Taught Me About My Anxiety

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I’ve opened up about my anxiety on my blog before and discussed its unassuming face, its dark crevices; its deep waters. It’s difficult revealing details on this personal struggle, but there’s healing in knowing I can share my experiences with others (and the same when others share their stories with me). And sometimes, I find healing in unexpected places like a book I’m reading or during quiet moments. Recently, new revelations and healing came through Disney’s Moana. Who would have thought?

If you haven’t seen Moana yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s a great story of personal discovery, adventure, and listening to your heart. It’s also got some great musical numbers. The animation is beautiful and the voice actors do a perfect job of giving life to the characters.

Now, let me introduce you to Moana: she’s a young teen, living on the idealic island of Motonui where she’ll soon take her rightful place as island chief. But, Moana is restless. She wishes to travel beyond the reef to uncharted waters, but her father frowns upon on her exciting dreams, saying that leaving the island is too dangerous and that her place is as chief. When a darkness begins to consume Motonui, Moana soon realizes that she has no choice but to go beyond the reef to save her people. What ensues is nothing less than magical and adventurous. The entirety of the film is great, but there’s one scene that always makes me clutch my heart, no matter how many times I watch it.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!! Don’t read any more unless you’ve seen the movie or don’t mind finding out the ending.

At the climax of the movie, Moana must square up against Te Kā, the evil fire demon who must be vanquished in order for Motonui to be saved. Throughout the movie, Te Kā was seen as the villain; the monster, but just as Moana is getting ready to attempt defeat against Te Kā, she has a moment of clarity and realization: Te Kā is actually Te Fiti, the goddess who created Moana’s world. As explained at the beginning of the movie, Te Fiti’s heart was stolen from her, but we now find that this caused Te Fiti to turn into a literal heartless monster. Moana realizes she can’t kill Te Kā rather, she must come face-to-face with the monster. This is the part I always cry on. As Te Kā races violently towards Moana, Moana slowly approaches Te Kā. She’s not afraid. She’s sure of herself. She knows what she has to do. She braces herself as smoke, ash, and fire billow from Te Kāand tells Te Kā, “I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not you who are. You know who you are.” She returns Te Fiti’s heart and the fiery monster transforms into her former glorious self. It truly is a magical scene.

I once read that anxiety is a perversion of imagination. This wonderful gift of imagination that God has given us becomes a catalyst for fear and worry. It’s not as God intended. It’s a fiery monster; an angry shell of what was once beautiful and life-giving. What strikes me the most is that when Moana realized what she was up against, she didn’t run away. She didn’t back down and surrender. She LITERALLY walked up to that which scared her the most. She made a declaration to the fear she faced, “This is not who you are!”

But this does not define you.

I realized this was reflective of my personal experience with anxiety. Even in the most crippling moments, where fear has frozen in my my tracks, the best remedy for me was to face my “monster” head on. To tell it: Come to me. I know who you are, you fiery monster. Let me return your heart and gain back the power I once had.

This realization is poignant. It’s life-changing. This, along with Moana’s self-discovery, makes the movie much more than what it seems on the surface.

If you’re fighting against anxiety, or another frightful monster that darkens your days, I encourage you to look it in the eye and tell it, “You know who you are.” Then, be sure to tell yourself the same. Be sure. Be confident. Be a warrior.

The Biggest Cage of Them All

This is going to be a raw blog post. Usually I’m venting or reliving a fun memory or even sharing about future plans. But, this week has been rough. I’ve put off writing this blog post because I actually have to put my thoughts into words. And that’s where I’ve been mostly…my thoughts. This post about one of the scariest things I deal with: anxiety.

If you’re close to me, you probably know that irrational fears tend to get the best of me. They constantly overwhelm and fill the corners of my mind. I lay awake at night replaying almost impossible scenarios in my head trying to calm myself. I like to have control of everything and can’t stand when things start slipping through my fingers. Be it finances, work-related incidents, relationships, whatever, I feel like I can never truly gain solid footing. Life seems like a quicksand, slowing swallowing me up.

I try not to verbalize my anxiety or make a big deal about because my fears usually are extremely irrational (like I’m going to jail or offended someone I haven’t spoken to in years). My family is pretty good about recognizing when something is bothering me. And they help me through my bouts of fear. What is really scary is when I’m alone. When I’m left to my own devices. That’s when I start to get on edge, my heart races, stomach cramps, I gnaw at my fingers in attempt to distract myself.

In my early teens, my anxiety manifested as obsessive compulsion. Thankfully, the Lord brought me through that. I thank the Lord that I’ll never return to that mentality. In adulthood, my anxiety is displayed in other ways: constantly distracting myself with Netfilx, music, work, wedding planning, and nail biting. I sometimes laugh and say to myself, “I can’t believe you were worried about that, Juana”. But, then the worry cycle starts again. It feels like I’m being stifled and choked, like I’m in a cage, being tempted by an open door, only to stop myself from leaving because of more wild irrational thoughts.

As a Christian, I think anxiety can be especially tricky. I constantly remind myself that God IS looking out for me. That He has my best interests at heart and wants to bless me.  I always hear from others that worry is a sin because it gives the enemy power as we try to take the control away from God. I read my Bible and pray and it is encouraging and helpful. God sends people my way to edify me and lift me up. The fears tend to creep up even still, but that’s when I’m reminded that while the enemy is constantly fighting for me to be miserable, God is constantly fighting FOR me. For ME! And for YOU!

I write this blog post today to perhaps encourage you. Maybe you aren’t dealing with the same situation, but maybe you need to be reminded today that God IS still there. Amidst the pain and struggles that make you feel alone and scared, God IS there. Even in the dark, Lord, I will reach my hand out to you.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

What I Did Today

Nothing…

But, let me preface that with some back story.

Last weekend, my wrist started hurting a bit.  It became uncomfortable to move my wrist and the pain got increasingly worse.  By Sunday night, I couldn’t sleep well.  Throughout the week, I didn’t get much sleep and being at work was uncomfortable due to my wrist pain.  I type all day at work and there really was no way around doing my work without “ignoring” the pain.  I was so ready for the weekend so I could sleep in and not spend hours upon hours typing.  I just needed to rest.  I took medication that my doctor prescribed and it made me so drowsy.  I slept for a good nine hours.  Talk about glorious!  Then, after I woke up, I ate cereal and went back to sleep.  I treated myself to an eyebrow wax and Earl Grey latte.  The gloomy weather wasn’t helping my sleepy mood, but I drove to Stephen’s to hang out.

Now, I’m sitting on my couch with my plate of steak leftovers and contemplating watching The Fault in Our Stars.  I’m also going to try my hand at making Nutella ice cream.  Because, you know, that’s part of my restful day.

It’s been an interesting day because I’m not used to just relaxing and doing next to nothing.  I always have to be out and about or cleaning or running errands.  Now that I am finished with school, I have a lot of free time that I fill with “adult duties”, i.e. cleaning, paying bills, budgeting, attempting to fix my car, and other things.  When I have free time, I feel like I am wasting away my day.  But sometimes, I have to remind myself that rest is good; that it’s okay to sleep for a long time and that watching tv for a while is ok.  I don’t always have to be on the run.