What Moana Taught Me About My Anxiety

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I’ve opened up about my anxiety on my blog before and discussed its unassuming face, its dark crevices; its deep waters. It’s difficult revealing details on this personal struggle, but there’s healing in knowing I can share my experiences with others (and the same when others share their stories with me). And sometimes, I find healing in unexpected places like a book I’m reading or during quiet moments. Recently, new revelations and healing came through Disney’s Moana. Who would have thought?

If you haven’t seen Moana yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s a great story of personal discovery, adventure, and listening to your heart. It’s also got some great musical numbers. The animation is beautiful and the voice actors do a perfect job of giving life to the characters.

Now, let me introduce you to Moana: she’s a young teen, living on the idealic island of Motonui where she’ll soon take her rightful place as island chief. But, Moana is restless. She wishes to travel beyond the reef to uncharted waters, but her father frowns upon on her exciting dreams, saying that leaving the island is too dangerous and that her place is as chief. When a darkness begins to consume Motonui, Moana soon realizes that she has no choice but to go beyond the reef to save her people. What ensues is nothing less than magical and adventurous. The entirety of the film is great, but there’s one scene that always makes me clutch my heart, no matter how many times I watch it.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!! Don’t read any more unless you’ve seen the movie or don’t mind finding out the ending.

At the climax of the movie, Moana must square up against Te Kā, the evil fire demon who must be vanquished in order for Motonui to be saved. Throughout the movie, Te Kā was seen as the villain; the monster, but just as Moana is getting ready to attempt defeat against Te Kā, she has a moment of clarity and realization: Te Kā is actually Te Fiti, the goddess who created Moana’s world. As explained at the beginning of the movie, Te Fiti’s heart was stolen from her, but we now find that this caused Te Fiti to turn into a literal heartless monster. Moana realizes she can’t kill Te Kā rather, she must come face-to-face with the monster. This is the part I always cry on. As Te Kā races violently towards Moana, Moana slowly approaches Te Kā. She’s not afraid. She’s sure of herself. She knows what she has to do. She braces herself as smoke, ash, and fire billow from Te Kāand tells Te Kā, “I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not you who are. You know who you are.” She returns Te Fiti’s heart and the fiery monster transforms into her former glorious self. It truly is a magical scene.

I once read that anxiety is a perversion of imagination. This wonderful gift of imagination that God has given us becomes a catalyst for fear and worry. It’s not as God intended. It’s a fiery monster; an angry shell of what was once beautiful and life-giving. What strikes me the most is that when Moana realized what she was up against, she didn’t run away. She didn’t back down and surrender. She LITERALLY walked up to that which scared her the most. She made a declaration to the fear she faced, “This is not who you are!”

But this does not define you.

I realized this was reflective of my personal experience with anxiety. Even in the most crippling moments, where fear has frozen in my my tracks, the best remedy for me was to face my “monster” head on. To tell it: Come to me. I know who you are, you fiery monster. Let me return your heart and gain back the power I once had.

This realization is poignant. It’s life-changing. This, along with Moana’s self-discovery, makes the movie much more than what it seems on the surface.

If you’re fighting against anxiety, or another frightful monster that darkens your days, I encourage you to look it in the eye and tell it, “You know who you are.” Then, be sure to tell yourself the same. Be sure. Be confident. Be a warrior.

Being Married

Ok, so we’re almost 4 months into marriage. 4 months since the wedding. 4 months since one of the craziest, best, most memorable days in our lives. We’re settled into our cozy apartment. Even as I write this, the smell of the dinner that Stephen cooked for me while I worked late at work lingers in the air. Candles are sporadically placed around the apartment and I have BANKS playing on repeat. The laundry is put away and the dishes are clean. All is quiet as Stephen relaxes in front of his computer and I have my laptop open, blogging. I think about the work I have to complete tomorrow and the rainy weather we’ll probably have this weekend. Then, I stop. “Is this what marriage is?” We co-exist. We live with each other. We live around each other. We live together. Other than the obvious meaning, stop and think about what that means; to live together. To live in step. To live as missing pieces of a puzzle that have now come together. That doesn’t mean we always agree, because we definitely don’t. That doesn’t mean we’re always seeing rainbows and puppies when we’re near each other (more like Chipotle and naps).

Life still happens in the midst of our love story. But how we handle life together is what defines us. Do we let God into our lives? Do we focus on fussing at each other instead of helping? Do we forget the covenant we agreed upon 4 months ago? These are questions we ask (subconsciously and sometimes rhetorically) each day since the wedding.

When people ask me “How’s married life?”, I usually respond with a smile and reply, “It’s good, really good”. And I mean it.

The Biggest Cage of Them All

This is going to be a raw blog post. Usually I’m venting or reliving a fun memory or even sharing about future plans. But, this week has been rough. I’ve put off writing this blog post because I actually have to put my thoughts into words. And that’s where I’ve been mostly…my thoughts. This post about one of the scariest things I deal with: anxiety.

If you’re close to me, you probably know that irrational fears tend to get the best of me. They constantly overwhelm and fill the corners of my mind. I lay awake at night replaying almost impossible scenarios in my head trying to calm myself. I like to have control of everything and can’t stand when things start slipping through my fingers. Be it finances, work-related incidents, relationships, whatever, I feel like I can never truly gain solid footing. Life seems like a quicksand, slowing swallowing me up.

I try not to verbalize my anxiety or make a big deal about because my fears usually are extremely irrational (like I’m going to jail or offended someone I haven’t spoken to in years). My family is pretty good about recognizing when something is bothering me. And they help me through my bouts of fear. What is really scary is when I’m alone. When I’m left to my own devices. That’s when I start to get on edge, my heart races, stomach cramps, I gnaw at my fingers in attempt to distract myself.

In my early teens, my anxiety manifested as obsessive compulsion. Thankfully, the Lord brought me through that. I thank the Lord that I’ll never return to that mentality. In adulthood, my anxiety is displayed in other ways: constantly distracting myself with Netfilx, music, work, wedding planning, and nail biting. I sometimes laugh and say to myself, “I can’t believe you were worried about that, Juana”. But, then the worry cycle starts again. It feels like I’m being stifled and choked, like I’m in a cage, being tempted by an open door, only to stop myself from leaving because of more wild irrational thoughts.

As a Christian, I think anxiety can be especially tricky. I constantly remind myself that God IS looking out for me. That He has my best interests at heart and wants to bless me.  I always hear from others that worry is a sin because it gives the enemy power as we try to take the control away from God. I read my Bible and pray and it is encouraging and helpful. God sends people my way to edify me and lift me up. The fears tend to creep up even still, but that’s when I’m reminded that while the enemy is constantly fighting for me to be miserable, God is constantly fighting FOR me. For ME! And for YOU!

I write this blog post today to perhaps encourage you. Maybe you aren’t dealing with the same situation, but maybe you need to be reminded today that God IS still there. Amidst the pain and struggles that make you feel alone and scared, God IS there. Even in the dark, Lord, I will reach my hand out to you.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

The Commitment

A few weeks ago, Stephen and I decided to do something we’ve been praying and thinking about for a while.  Our pastor says the top 3 most important decisions a person can make in their life are:

1. To accept Christ into your heart.

2. Who you will marry.

3. Where you will make your church home.

And since both Stephen and I have checked marked numbers 1 and 2, we decided it was time to find a church home.

We have been attending a church for several years.  For me, the church was very similar to the church I grew up in; it felt like home.  Once Stephen’s and my schedule allowed us to attend this church each Sunday, we decided that we would be regular attendees.  But, for years, when people asked where I attended church, I felt like a fraud.  I would answer hesitantly, not sure if I could proclaim that I “went” to a church if I wasn’t an official member.  Obviously, I could, but it didn’t feel official.

With Stephen and I getting married within a year, we realized that we needed a church home.  Somewhere we could pour into others and give our tithes and time.  We wanted to be intentional about it.  Plus, we wanted to be a part of the church where we take our pre-marital counseling.

So, for the past two weeks, we’ve attended membership classes and we signed the official membership agreement!  We’re so excited to have our official church home.  Prayerfully, we will get really involved with the various ministries and truly begin to establish meaningful relationships with the church body.

Imagination

I saw this post a few weeks ago on an Instagram page for Heatherllove (http://heatherllindsey.com). Something that I have struggled with is letting my imagination get the best of me. I’ll stay awake at night running through hundreds of scenarios for my life. I constantly worry about making a wrong decision, which is why I try to plan out every possible way that things could go.

It’s frustrating when I can’t sleep or function normally because of how fast my brain is going in attempt to “solve” these problems that haven’t happened yet. In my own attempt to take control of these situations, I realized that it does more harm than good. In a roundabout way, I’m telling God that He is not enough and that I don’t trust Him to take care of me.  And it causes unnecessary stress on me because,  while I KNOW I can’t handle everything,  I still try to.

This is why Heather’s post resonated so much with me.  Stephen and I gave ourselves one week after the engagement to start planning the wedding. And boy did we start planning with full swing! I started the guest list, called venues, emailed DJs, and calculated a mental budget all in a few hours.  It was overwhelming to say the least. Each day since then, my thoughts have been filled with worries: Could we save up enough to pay for the wedding ourselves? / Who would officiate?  / Who gets added to the guest list? And so on…

But, I have to constantly remind myself of the God I serve and how completely He’ll take care of me. I just need to let go of my need to try to control everything else. I’m learning to reshift my imagination back to what God intended: to imagine and pray for blessings beyond my wildest dreams.

How He Asked (My Proposal Story)

I thought about the day I would be proposed to since I was a kid, as I’m sure most girls do.  I thought about the ring, the speech, whether there would be people around, where we would be.  Since Stephen and I started dating and we realized that we would eventually like to get married, the thoughts of the proposal became even more real.  I always wondered how it would happen and I resolved to focus on our relationship more than the proposal/wedding.  This wasn’t always easy with videos of “The BEST Proposal EVER” constantly being posted on the Internet and with girls flashing details of their weddings on Facebook. But, we put work into our relationship and kept on loving each other.  So, even though I knew that he’d propose sometime, I didn’t want to have one inkling about what was to come.

Now for the fun details!

I got up early on Saturday morning to run errands.  Before heading to Stephen’s house I stopped to get a smoothie, so I called Stephen to ask if he wanted one.  He accepted and I told him I was going to get my eyebrows waxed (fleek!) before I would finally arrive at his house.

After all of my errands were complete, I drove to Stephen’s place and honked the horn as I drove up.  He met me at the door with a smile on his face, but with his usual calm demeanor.  I still had no idea.  We ate lunch and joked together for a bit before I noticed scarves and shirts scattered on his bed.  With my clean-freak tendencies, I ALWAYS tidy up his space when we hang out.  It has become a habit and usually go in his closet several times during my visits  So, I instinctively grabbed the articles of clothing and went to his closet to put them away for him.  I opened the closet and then…

That’s when I noticed balloons cascade and float down from the top of the closet.

I thought it was slightly strange, and for a split second, I still wasn’t sure what was going on.  Suddenly, I heard the theme music from UP playing softly in the background.

I turned and saw Stephen with a ring box.

Stephen said, “It’s for real, this time.”

We had talked and joked about our impending proposal for SO long that I thought I might be dreaming.  With our happy-go-lucky relationship, Stephen often bent down to tie his shoe and trick me with a “Juana, will you do me the honor of…handing me that ketchup bottle?”  Thus, I learned not to get too exited every time I thought he was going to propose.

As soon as I was able to actually process what was happening, I started crying.  Seriously, I cried so much that Stephen later said I cried the Atlantic Ocean.  He knelt on one knee and I grabbed him tight in a hug.  Still shaking form shock, I pulled away and looked Stephen in the face.  All I could muster was “I love you!”  But, it was enough.  Without a formal question and a formal answer, we both knew.  We were tied together by our heart strings.  We are in it for the long haul and will soon stand in front of our loved ones and commit our lives to each for as long as we both shall live.  And what a glorious life it will be.

P.S. I can’t believe I had an UP-themed proposal.  Thank you so much, Stephen, for making it a day I’ll always enjoy remembering with you.

The soon-to-be Browns

I can’t stop staring at it!

A New Journey

Oh my goodness.  It happened.  I went for it and it happened.  I got a NEW job!!!!

I really enjoy working with my group of peeps at the hotel (you know who you are!).  I’ve really loved getting to know some new members who joined us at the beginning of the year.  My work is great; I’m good at what I do.  My boss is fantastic and is super encouraging.  I know what to expect when I go into work.  But, that’s just it.  It was becoming a tedious round of knowing what to expect and I was becoming complacent.  And even though change scares me, the thought of not moving outside of my comfort zone is even scarier.

Since the moment I handed in my resignation, I started doubting my decisions and fear started to take over.  Was I making the right choice?  I should just stay where I am, I know what I’m doing!  Right.  Right?

But these thoughts are ones of fear and what does the Bible say???

2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”  I have to remind myself of this every moment of everyday.

I also have to remind myself that I am not here to please man, but to please God.  I was fearful that my coworkers would be upset that I resigned or that I was making the wrong choice.  But, when I am old and gray, I don’t think I’ll remember my fear, but that I moved towards my own goals and dreams.

Oh God, I’m still so nervous.  But, I know it’ll be good.

Be Joyful Always.

Lost

It’s good to get lost every once in a while.

At this particular point in my life, I’m not really sure where I’m going.  I try to live day-by-day, step-by-step, taking moments as they come, enjoying this time.  I see others around me achieving milestones I thought I’d reach by now.  On the other hand, I have done well for myself and accomplished things I am so proud of.

But, without clear goals or plans, I feel lost.  I feel like life is flying by so fast.  Welcome to my dramatic brain:  “Oh, I don’t have my dream job yet!  Psssh, forget that dream.”  ” Man, I’m not married yet…I’m a spinster!”  “Still living in an apartment?  You’re not doing something right, Juana.”

As much as I try to plan my life out, it just never really goes how I expect.  It never goes how I spent so much time painstakingly trying to get it to go.  I get so lost.  Yet, it’s good to get lost sometimes, right?  So many times, I have found that when life went in a completely different direction than I planned, that those times were the best.  I have to lose control to have the best adventures because the best adventures aren’t planned.

Get lost.

Just What I Needed

I constantly have to remind myself of those simple words.  On those nights when I’m tossing and turning because of life’s events.  On those nights when I think I’m not good enough.  On those nights when I think I can’t handle heavy burdens.

Then, I remember that I have to relinquish control.  God’s got it.

These Simple Words

Yesterday, before church, I grabbed a notebook I hadn’t used in over a year.  It was a travel notebook that I turned into a recipe/to-do/inspirational notes/prayer notebook.  Pretty much all my thoughts were going into this one place.  Around this time last year, I stopped using it for some unknown reason.  But, as I was running out of the house for church, I realized I wanted something to write in.  I turned around and grabbed my notebook off of the book shelf and shoved it in my purse.

Sundays are emotional for me because I start thinking about my upcoming week at work.  I start formulating plans on how to complete various projects and mentally check marking things off of my to-do list.  Sometimes, it is hard to be present because of the overload of things going on in my brain.  This often results in a long nap session.  Don’t get me wrong; I’m a very happy, pleasant person.  Yet, sometimes, my emotions get built up and reach a boiling point.  Yesterday was the start to one of those points.

As I sat in church, trying to overcome my little roadblock, I opened my notebook and saw words I had written over a year ago:

“You are loved.  You are loved. You are good enough!  You are strong, beautiful, kind.”

The words shocked me, but were, of course, familiar.  There was a reason I had written them down.  I knew I’d need a little reminder one day.