What Moana Taught Me About My Anxiety

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I’ve opened up about my anxiety on my blog before and discussed its unassuming face, its dark crevices; its deep waters. It’s difficult revealing details on this personal struggle, but there’s healing in knowing I can share my experiences with others (and the same when others share their stories with me). And sometimes, I find healing in unexpected places like a book I’m reading or during quiet moments. Recently, new revelations and healing came through Disney’s Moana. Who would have thought?

If you haven’t seen Moana yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. It’s a great story of personal discovery, adventure, and listening to your heart. It’s also got some great musical numbers. The animation is beautiful and the voice actors do a perfect job of giving life to the characters.

Now, let me introduce you to Moana: she’s a young teen, living on the idealic island of Motonui where she’ll soon take her rightful place as island chief. But, Moana is restless. She wishes to travel beyond the reef to uncharted waters, but her father frowns upon on her exciting dreams, saying that leaving the island is too dangerous and that her place is as chief. When a darkness begins to consume Motonui, Moana soon realizes that she has no choice but to go beyond the reef to save her people. What ensues is nothing less than magical and adventurous. The entirety of the film is great, but there’s one scene that always makes me clutch my heart, no matter how many times I watch it.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!! Don’t read any more unless you’ve seen the movie or don’t mind finding out the ending.

At the climax of the movie, Moana must square up against Te Kā, the evil fire demon who must be vanquished in order for Motonui to be saved. Throughout the movie, Te Kā was seen as the villain; the monster, but just as Moana is getting ready to attempt defeat against Te Kā, she has a moment of clarity and realization: Te Kā is actually Te Fiti, the goddess who created Moana’s world. As explained at the beginning of the movie, Te Fiti’s heart was stolen from her, but we now find that this caused Te Fiti to turn into a literal heartless monster. Moana realizes she can’t kill Te Kā rather, she must come face-to-face with the monster. This is the part I always cry on. As Te Kā races violently towards Moana, Moana slowly approaches Te Kā. She’s not afraid. She’s sure of herself. She knows what she has to do. She braces herself as smoke, ash, and fire billow from Te Kāand tells Te Kā, “I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not you who are. You know who you are.” She returns Te Fiti’s heart and the fiery monster transforms into her former glorious self. It truly is a magical scene.

I once read that anxiety is a perversion of imagination. This wonderful gift of imagination that God has given us becomes a catalyst for fear and worry. It’s not as God intended. It’s a fiery monster; an angry shell of what was once beautiful and life-giving. What strikes me the most is that when Moana realized what she was up against, she didn’t run away. She didn’t back down and surrender. She LITERALLY walked up to that which scared her the most. She made a declaration to the fear she faced, “This is not who you are!”

But this does not define you.

I realized this was reflective of my personal experience with anxiety. Even in the most crippling moments, where fear has frozen in my my tracks, the best remedy for me was to face my “monster” head on. To tell it: Come to me. I know who you are, you fiery monster. Let me return your heart and gain back the power I once had.

This realization is poignant. It’s life-changing. This, along with Moana’s self-discovery, makes the movie much more than what it seems on the surface.

If you’re fighting against anxiety, or another frightful monster that darkens your days, I encourage you to look it in the eye and tell it, “You know who you are.” Then, be sure to tell yourself the same. Be sure. Be confident. Be a warrior.

Working on My Fitness, You’re My Witness.

It’s been a little over 8 months into my fitness journey. It’s been a busy several months and I haven’t blogged in a hot minute. (Hey! Keeping up good eating habits, working out, making moolah, getting enough sleep, and keeping up relationships is a lot of work!) My health goal was to: 1. Lose at least 10 lbs. 2. Begin to build muscle. 3. Gain overall strength. 4. BE CONFIDENT and AWESOME. 

To recap the start of my journey, check out my original blog post on my fitness journey. I wanted to reach my goals before Stephen and I went on our first anniversary trip to the Dominican Republic. Thankfully, I reached my weight goal and then some within a few months. I spent the next little while before the trip increasing the amount of weights I was lifting during my gym sessions so I could tone up. You can see my steady progress in the pictures below!  

Now the the trip has passed (which was AMAZING), I’ve tried to be more lenient within myself regarding my diet and gym time. Instead of going to the gym 5-6 times a week, I now try to go every other day, or 3-4 times. I’ve still been slowing increasing my weights and adding in heavier machine exercises to my workouts, as well as decreasing cardio. In order to make sure I’m fueling my body enough to build muscle, I increased my calorie allowance by nearly double. Surprisingly, that’s been the most difficult part: keeping up with the amount of calories I have to consume each day. I used a nifty app on my phone (S Health) to track my meals and make sure I’m meeting my calorie intake, as well as water intake, sleep cycles, daily steps, and exercise routines. It’s actually a great way for me to have a well-rounded view of my health and makes it easy to manage day-to-day health info.  

It’s been nice not having to be as strict with my diet and exercise, although I really enjoy my gym time and I look forward to reaching new goals! 

March 2017

March 2017

April 2017

May 2017

July 2017

My Journey So Far

In my last blog post (2016 In Review), I discussed how 2016 was an interesting year for me and my body image. I gained a little weight just before and after the wedding. I was falling into an unhealthy cycle of eating too much fast food/junk food and not be active enough. I drank juice and sugary lattes instead of water. After dinner, I’d lay on the couch and binge on Netflix. I skipped breakfast in the mornings and overeat at lunch and dinner. The funny thing about gaining weight is that it slowly creeps up on you. Since my weight hadn’t been an issue for me in the past, I let my unhealthy choices spiral out of control. I assumed my body would be unaffected. While my weight gain wasn’t extreme, I began to notice little changes in my body that pointed towards the bigger issue: I needed a lifestyle change. 

My insecurities finally came to a head when I ran into an old co-worker at the grocery store. She was extremely well-meaning and sweet, but she mentioned that she could tell life and marriage was going well for me because “my face looked full”. I was shocked that someone had essentially confirmed an insecurity that had been raging in my head for months. That’s when I decided enough was enough. Even if I didn’t reach my goal weight, I needed to treat my body and mind better than I had been. Thankfully, by being intentional about what I eat & drink and by making sure I’m burning off what I consume during the day, my body has responded positively. 

“Positive in, positive out”

Here’s what a typical day looks like for me now:

– I eat a balanced breakfast: hardboiled egg, piece of fruit/natural fruit bar, oatmeal, coffee with a splash of milk, etc. I try to plan my breakfast the night before so I’m not forced to eat something “easy” that would otherwise be junky.

– I’ve committed to drinking a gallon of water a day. Not only does this help curb my appetite and cravings for sugary snacks, but it helps flush my body of waste, help turn my food into energy, and keep my skin clear. I’m intentional about not drinking soda, non-fruit juice, sweet teas, etc. Typically, the only fluids I have during the day are coffee, hot tea, and water.

– I walk whenever I can instead of taking the elevator and I get up from my work desk every hour to get my heart rate up.

– For lunch and dinner, I make sure to eat a balanced meal that’s not too calorie heavy. I keep snacks like beef jerky or almonds at my desk so I don’t give in to the vending machine snacks that always seem to be calling my name. However, I don’t stop myself from indulging occasionally 🙂

– I’ve created a custom exercise plan that I really enjoy and look forward to each day. This month consists of cardio (I prefer a jog on and off the treadmill), high-intensity strength training, and ab/core exercises. For the nights I don’t feel like going to the gym, I will opt for a 30-minute dance workout (usually Keaira LaShae, who offers FUN workouts for your living room). I try not to eat within 2-3 hours of bedtime, as well as not sitting/laying down right after dinner.

– Not only have I been intentional about what I put in my body and what I work off, but also the state of my mind. I will light candles, make some tea, and sit in my room with soft music playing to de-stress before bed. It’s important that I not forget change begins within the mind!

I’m noticing small changes since the beginning of my journey. My strength is improving. I feel peppier throughout the day. My body is toning back up. I’m thankful I’m making better decisions for my body and mind. But, even as I continue on this journey, I consistently remind myself of some things I’ll take time to remind you of:

“I AM NOT JUST NUMBERS ON A SCALE; MY WORDS AND ACTIONS HAVE WEIGHT TO THEM”

“I AM MORE THAN THE CALORIES I CONSUME FOR I RETAIN KNOWLEDGE, SKILL, EXPERIENCES, AND WISDOM”

“MY BODY IS NOT PERFECT, BUT I CAN RESOLVE TO BE THE BEST WOMAN I CAN BE”

“MY WORTH IS NOT DEFINED BY MY BODY MASS, BUT BY MY KINDNESS AND STRENGTH”

I hope that my post encouraged you today. Remember, one step at a time is all it takes. 

Free to Be Me

​I can be really insecure at times. My skin might start acting up or a roll on my tummy is extra rolly. Sometimes, it’s something I said or something that someone else said. I compare myself to others, thinking that if I could change “that one thing” about myself, I’ll feel better. When it gets really bad, and I’m sure other girls can relate, you start to not only find faults in yourself, but faults in others too. You begin to focus on their faults, hoping it’ll erase yours, but it won’t. I’m learning to celebrate myself, insecurities and all. God knew me before I was even a thought. He loves me and cares for me. That alone helps me remember that there’s beauty and kindness in me. Today, I choose to revel in my flaws and in my greatness.

The Biggest Cage of Them All

This is going to be a raw blog post. Usually I’m venting or reliving a fun memory or even sharing about future plans. But, this week has been rough. I’ve put off writing this blog post because I actually have to put my thoughts into words. And that’s where I’ve been mostly…my thoughts. This post about one of the scariest things I deal with: anxiety.

If you’re close to me, you probably know that irrational fears tend to get the best of me. They constantly overwhelm and fill the corners of my mind. I lay awake at night replaying almost impossible scenarios in my head trying to calm myself. I like to have control of everything and can’t stand when things start slipping through my fingers. Be it finances, work-related incidents, relationships, whatever, I feel like I can never truly gain solid footing. Life seems like a quicksand, slowing swallowing me up.

I try not to verbalize my anxiety or make a big deal about because my fears usually are extremely irrational (like I’m going to jail or offended someone I haven’t spoken to in years). My family is pretty good about recognizing when something is bothering me. And they help me through my bouts of fear. What is really scary is when I’m alone. When I’m left to my own devices. That’s when I start to get on edge, my heart races, stomach cramps, I gnaw at my fingers in attempt to distract myself.

In my early teens, my anxiety manifested as obsessive compulsion. Thankfully, the Lord brought me through that. I thank the Lord that I’ll never return to that mentality. In adulthood, my anxiety is displayed in other ways: constantly distracting myself with Netfilx, music, work, wedding planning, and nail biting. I sometimes laugh and say to myself, “I can’t believe you were worried about that, Juana”. But, then the worry cycle starts again. It feels like I’m being stifled and choked, like I’m in a cage, being tempted by an open door, only to stop myself from leaving because of more wild irrational thoughts.

As a Christian, I think anxiety can be especially tricky. I constantly remind myself that God IS looking out for me. That He has my best interests at heart and wants to bless me.  I always hear from others that worry is a sin because it gives the enemy power as we try to take the control away from God. I read my Bible and pray and it is encouraging and helpful. God sends people my way to edify me and lift me up. The fears tend to creep up even still, but that’s when I’m reminded that while the enemy is constantly fighting for me to be miserable, God is constantly fighting FOR me. For ME! And for YOU!

I write this blog post today to perhaps encourage you. Maybe you aren’t dealing with the same situation, but maybe you need to be reminded today that God IS still there. Amidst the pain and struggles that make you feel alone and scared, God IS there. Even in the dark, Lord, I will reach my hand out to you.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

My Dream Might Be a Little Different Than Yours

 

I was having an quarter life crisis last week.  They’re not infrequent.  When your classmates and friends are flashing their engagement rings, posting about their dinner with the “hubby”, announcing pregnancies, and buying paint for their picket fences, it is hard not to have a meltdown that you haven’t reached the pinnacle of life.  Ugh.

I think to myself, “Juana, you need to get serious.  You’re getting olllld.  You’ll be thirty soon.”  But, then I snap out of it.  We’re long past the days of becoming a spinster/cat lady at twenty years old.  Why is it so terrible that the new American Dream is to go after what you want, instead of striving for the “perfect equation” = husband + 2.5 kids + white picket fence.

You can’t imagine how many shocked faces I get when I tell people I’m not married yet.  “Well, what are you waiting for?!” they ask.  They’re even more shocked when I answer “It’ll happen when it happens.”  Then, when I explain that Stephen and I want to travel, that we want to look for jobs in a lot of places and not just the city/state we’re currently living in, they really lose it.  It boggles my mind that because we are doing things differently, they can’t seem to grasp the idea of different.  And, while ultimately I can choose how these sour interactions affect me, it is these sour interactions that make me realize the single-mindedness of people.  The issue doesn’t just lie in marriage.  If someone wants to blog for the rest of their life, let them blog.  Maybe, just maybe, that makes them happy.  Perhaps, they want to stay at home with their kids.  Become a vegan.  Be a career student.  Move to Timbuktu.  Whatever.  I may not agree with decisions that everyone makes, but, in the end, it’s their decision, not mine.  Who am I to tell them that their dream is “wrong”?  Because I can assure you that my dream is “wrong”, too.

Scrubbin’ My Problems Away

For as long as I can remember, one of my nervous habits is to begin cleaning.

Got into an argument?  Go home and vacuum.

Got a bad grade on an assignment.  Dust everything in the house.

Fussed at at work? Scrub the toilet.

Anxious about a phone call? Straighten all of the shelf items.

Even now, into my adult life with my own apartment and dealing with ever-so difficult adult life decisions and events, I find myself cleaning furiously when I get nervous or anxious.  I’m in control.  That bathroom WILL be clean.  The floors WILL be mopped.  The mirrors WILL be squeaky clean.  No matter what issue I’m dealing with, I think perhaps wiping crumbs from the counter will help wipe my problems away.  

I know deep down, that no amount of scrubbing will erase my fears.  They’ll still be there long after my abode is cleaned.  I guess I have some deep cleaning to do on these insecurities I’m hoarding… 

The Selfie

The older you get, the more you realize that the way you look is a reflection of how you treat yourself.
– Hope Davis

You see it everywhere:  The girl or guy extending their arm just so that their smart phone can catch the light properly.  They smile. Make a face.  Pout.  Put up a peace sign.  Call others to join in.  Or look around to make sure no sees.  They inspect the photo.  A filter is chosen.  The post button is clicked.  And just like that, someone’s portrait is available for all to see.

While the selfie is so popular, so is the hate of the selfie.  Instagramers warn their followers, “Forgive my selfie!” or “I NEVER post these”.  Selfie-takers are judged and get eyes rolled at them.  We judge them for being “vain”, “self-absorbed”, and “society-centered”.

But, I see the selfie as something different.  With the amount of self-hate that drowns society, we should be glad that someone had the courage to show us their portrait.  That’s how they view themselves.  They feel beautiful at that moment.  They want to show you their new sunglasses, their new shirt, their new new hairstyle.  And perhaps, their new found confidence.

As someone who stills deals with confidence issues, I love being able to express my beauty through social media.  It’s not about fishing for compliments, but rather proclaiming, “Here I am, world! I may not be your classic definition of beauty, and maybe you think I’m superficial for posting my selfie, but hey, here I am.”

Selfies tell a story if we’re willing to look close enough.  What’s your story?

Just Say NO…

…To saying yes.

This is how I imagine myself when going against the popular opinion.  Mmmm, I’m pretty cool.

I need to learn (and am learning) to just say no.  If you know me, you know I’m a talker.  I always have something to say about something.  I like to make silly quips and make people laugh.  I try to inspire and create with my words.  I write poetry and prose.  I write thousands of words every week.  But, one word I don’t say enough is “no”.

I am always saying “yes” but I’ve found it’s not always for the best.  I say yes because it’s easy and convenient.  I’ve learned that I HATE conflict so much that I usually agree with everyone around me just to avoid an argument.  But, in the grand scheme of things, that makes me a pushover.  A doormat.  The easy way out.

Sometimes, I surprise myself when I get into heated debates/arguments.  I gasp and say “JUANA!  You saucy little thing, you!  Look at yourself, defending your beliefs/ideas/opinions,”  As a journalist, the worst thing I could be is a follower.  Why always follow the masses, when I am one in a million?  I have lived a life that no one has ever lived.  I have experiences and relationships different from anyone else.  So, why do I always need to agree with others, just to avoid awkwardness.  Why make it easy for myself?  When someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I should just say no.  No excuses, just no.

When I have a different opinion, I will let it be known.  Maybe you’re wrong and I have the right answer.  I will tell you about it.  Perhaps, you made me mad and you’re better off knowing it rather than me stewing in my quietness just so I don’t make you uncomfortable.

I am JUANA!  Hear me ROAR!

Foodie Update!

Wellllll, the first three days of cooking my own meals has been going well.

And you might says, “Geez, Juana, three days isn’t long enough to tell if you’ve made a difference!”

Well, my friends, I beg to differ.  Usually, hours after my grand proclamations to cook and stop eating out, I start craving fast food.  But, I haven’t eaten out in the past few days.  Not even wanting  it, really.

Sunday night, I made a Turkish dish with basmati rice, mint-cucumber yogurt, pita bread with red pepper hummus, and kofta.  The kofta and yogurt was especially great because I made them from scratch.  I added breadcrumbs, an egg, seasonings, and and fresh mint to ground beef and put it in the blender to mix it up.  Then, I cooked them in olive oil on the stove.  It was so good, I had this three meals in a row.

My second dish was a simple pasta dish with cheese and tomato sauce, penne pasta, and hot Italian sausage.  I also cooked the asparagus I bought over the weekend.  My co-worker, Sarah, who graduated from culinary school, gave me tips on how to cook the asparagus since I’ve never done it before.  I boiled them for 3 minutes, took them out of the water, sprinkled with sea salt and pepper and then sauteed them in butter.  I’m so full, I can barely move off of the couch.

 

I can’t wait to share more of my homemade dishes!  Onward, homecooked meals!  Onward!