Haunting of Hill House

“A ghost can be a lot of things. A memory, a daydream, a secret. Grief, anger, guilt. But, in my experience, most times they’re just what we want to see.” – Steven Crain

Last October, one chilly, quiet Saturday morning when my husband was at work, I turned on Netflix while I laid in bed. Something to absent-mindedly fill my time until I was ready to really get up. I selected the newly-added Haunting of Hill House, realizing in the back of my head it was something scary to watch. Often, I’ll put on a scary movie when I’m feeling anxious. It helps me because it’s a controlled experience for my anxiety. I can expect the scares. I know for a little while, my nerves will be tested, my heart will race, and my breath will be become short. Then, once the credits roll, the evil will have been vanquished and the antagonist is free to live unoppressed again. So, as I pressed play on HoHH, I expected the same. I’d be scared for a bit, relishing in the cathartic experience, then I’d go about my day. Who knew, a year later, I’d be watching the show for a 3rd time, as self-prescribed therapy.

The thing about HoHH is that the ghosts aren’t your average demonic presence or former living being seeking revenge. The ghosts are of the things we cower from most in our lives: fear, rejection, insecurities, failure, generational curses, grief, shortcomings, and regrets. The things we gloss over and pretend aren’t there. But try as we might, these ugly memories and feelings often bubble up in the worst ways at the most inopportune times. And this is what’s explored in HoHH.

As a horror-fan, I enjoyed the truly eerie setting and few jump scares. But, as I watched more, I began to feel a stirring that was different than I had experienced before. I was emotional as I was watching. And it wasn’t just emotion based on what the characters were feeling. It was my own emotion bubbling up.

I watched each of the characters bury and, then abruptly confront, their past. And it made me squirm uncomfortably with my own anxieties. What did I need to confront?

If you’re familiar with enneagrams, you know how intricate labeling your personality can be. Well, I’m an enneagram 6, which means I often deal with anxiety, fear, and have to consult my “inner decision committee” before making a decision. As a person who deals with so much anxiety, I sure do pack it deep down and pretend it’s not there for a while. HoHH made me drudge up feelings of self-doubt, insecurities, and fear that I try to ignore. Watching the siblings in HoHH deal with trauma they fought so hard to forget made me realize that we shouldn’t have to bury what frightens us. It causes “ghosts” to haunt us for no good reason at all.

An interesting aspect of the show that I didn’t recognize until my second viewing were the hidden ghosts that appeared randomly throughout varying scenes. I hadn’t noticed them while watching the first time. It was telling of the way we tend to know we’re dealing with heavy stuff and how we just let those ghosts live with us and stay in our backgrounds without actually facing them. It’s both terrifying and sobering.

As a show, HoHH was exceptionally good. The acting, cinematography, and production value were great. But, if offers so much more than just a fun scare to watch. It’s a deep look at how we scar ourselves in attempt to stop wounds from opening up again.

Give the show a go and I hope it’s as much of an experience for you as it was for me.

Long Time No See

Hi friends! I haven’t written in a while! Things have been different, but yet very much the same. 

Some fun things I did last year: 1) Visit Spain with my husband for our 2nd wedding anniversary 2) Drove to Philly with a friend to attend a Dancehall workshop class taught by one of our favorite dancers 3) Complete my inner refocusing to help manage my anxiety 4) Got my first chemical peel 5) Discover my best curly self (check out my Instagram dedicated to curly hair: @ToCurlsWithLove_).

Work still keeps me super busy, but I’ve been trying to challenge myself in more areas to ensure I always keep growing and learning. My fitness journey is still going pretty strong. I make sure to make time for myself at the gym during the week. It’s good “me time”.

I’m sure 2019 will bring some interesting changes and developments. I don’t deal with best with change and it can cause my anxiety to go crazy. But, I’m learning to manage, take things as they come, and enjoy all of the moments, good or bad. Or at least find the silver linings in moments that are harder. 

Here’s to an exciting 2019 and to all the interesting moments in between. My advice? Take mental health days, eat some kale, then eat some ice cream. Be bold, be you! 

2014 In Review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 690 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 12 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

The Selfie

The older you get, the more you realize that the way you look is a reflection of how you treat yourself.
– Hope Davis

You see it everywhere:  The girl or guy extending their arm just so that their smart phone can catch the light properly.  They smile. Make a face.  Pout.  Put up a peace sign.  Call others to join in.  Or look around to make sure no sees.  They inspect the photo.  A filter is chosen.  The post button is clicked.  And just like that, someone’s portrait is available for all to see.

While the selfie is so popular, so is the hate of the selfie.  Instagramers warn their followers, “Forgive my selfie!” or “I NEVER post these”.  Selfie-takers are judged and get eyes rolled at them.  We judge them for being “vain”, “self-absorbed”, and “society-centered”.

But, I see the selfie as something different.  With the amount of self-hate that drowns society, we should be glad that someone had the courage to show us their portrait.  That’s how they view themselves.  They feel beautiful at that moment.  They want to show you their new sunglasses, their new shirt, their new new hairstyle.  And perhaps, their new found confidence.

As someone who stills deals with confidence issues, I love being able to express my beauty through social media.  It’s not about fishing for compliments, but rather proclaiming, “Here I am, world! I may not be your classic definition of beauty, and maybe you think I’m superficial for posting my selfie, but hey, here I am.”

Selfies tell a story if we’re willing to look close enough.  What’s your story?

Mexico Mexico Mexico!

It’s been just under a week since I left Mexico.  And, man, do I miss it.

Here’s a little backstory:

A few years ago, Stephen and I attended a surprise engagement party that his oldest brother threw to ask his girlfriend to marry him.  It was an all-white affair and the bride-to-be was happily shocked at the proposal.  

Fast forward to around this time last year.  Stephen told me that his brother and fiance had decided on a destination wedding to Mexico.  Looking back, it seemed so far way.  I knew I needed a passport, to look for tickets, and ask off of work.  So much work needed to be done.  I remember talking with my friends and family about the trip thinking it would never come.  Mexico seemed so far away, figuratively and literally.

This past May, Stephen and I FINALLY got our passports.  Which was an *ahem* interesting experience to say the least.  In June, we bought our plane tickets and paid off our room balances.  The trip was quickly approaching.  I packed, got waxed (that’s another story in itself), gelled my nails, and settled final details.  Then, finally, the day came.

We flew out at 5:45 in the morning on a Thursday.  With little sleep, my heart pounded with the excitement of traveling out of the country.  Passports and tickets in hand, Stephen and I boarded our flight.  The sun began to rise as we rose into the sky.

From the first glimpses of Cancun from the view of the plane, I knew it was going to be an unforgettable trip.  We nervously exited the plane into the thick Mexican air.  A porter met us with a sign stating “McFoy-Brown Wedding”.  We headed to the hotel in a shuttle van playing American 80’s music.  The shuttle driver was friendly and warned us again the crocodile-filled lagoon across from our hotel.

Once we arrived at the hotel, Beach Palace, we were handed cool towels and I was given a tiny flower.  Just as we headed into the hotel, we found some of Stephen’s family members.  Since it was only 10 a.m, we decided to eat brunch and swim until our 3 p.m. check-in time.  

Now, perhaps you don’t really know how seeing vast, blue waters will affect you for the first time.  Maybe you do.  But, I will remember it forever.  It takes your breath away.  Fills your eyes with nothing else but awe.  It doesn’t satiate your wanderlust.  It makes you thirst for more.

The weekend was filled with cocktails, quesadillas, pretty dresses, tanning, poolside service, hot sand, warm ocean water, dancing, and love.  

The wedding was beautiful.  The couple glowed all day and had smiles from ear to ear.  There were happy
tears and crazy laughter.  Family is the sweetest thing.  The ceremony was held at the very top of the hotel and sparks flew (literally) as the couple said “I Do”.  

  

(These photos courtesy of Kadeem Nichols)

While the ceremony was sweet and traditional, the reception was a time to get, oh, how do they say, TURNT UP!  We partied for a good several hours celebrating the newly married Mr. & Mrs. Patrick Brown.  Shoes flew off and a Soul Train line was formed.  We laughed and slapped each other’s backs.  The later the night went on, the sweatier we got.  So, the logical conclusion was to jump in the rooftop pool with our fancy duds on. Even the bride and groom jumped.  I’m sure the hotel staff thought we were all sorts of crazy.  Here were respectable people, acting with no sense, screaming and giggling in the pool at midnight soaking in their formal attire.  It was a sight to be seen.

(Photo courtesy of Kadeem Nichols)

The return to the States was just as difficult as I thought.  I miss waking up and seeing blue water outside of my window.  I miss being an elevator ride away from a full buffet for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I miss feeling the hot sun on my back as I dip my toes into the sand.  I felt free.

So, what do you say, Passport?  Let’s go adventuring again.

Sneak Peek – Mexico Trip

Here’s a sneak peek of my Mexico Trip blog post, coming shortly.

…Sometimes your wanderlust is satiated.

If only for a moment…

Just Say NO…

…To saying yes.

This is how I imagine myself when going against the popular opinion.  Mmmm, I’m pretty cool.

I need to learn (and am learning) to just say no.  If you know me, you know I’m a talker.  I always have something to say about something.  I like to make silly quips and make people laugh.  I try to inspire and create with my words.  I write poetry and prose.  I write thousands of words every week.  But, one word I don’t say enough is “no”.

I am always saying “yes” but I’ve found it’s not always for the best.  I say yes because it’s easy and convenient.  I’ve learned that I HATE conflict so much that I usually agree with everyone around me just to avoid an argument.  But, in the grand scheme of things, that makes me a pushover.  A doormat.  The easy way out.

Sometimes, I surprise myself when I get into heated debates/arguments.  I gasp and say “JUANA!  You saucy little thing, you!  Look at yourself, defending your beliefs/ideas/opinions,”  As a journalist, the worst thing I could be is a follower.  Why always follow the masses, when I am one in a million?  I have lived a life that no one has ever lived.  I have experiences and relationships different from anyone else.  So, why do I always need to agree with others, just to avoid awkwardness.  Why make it easy for myself?  When someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I should just say no.  No excuses, just no.

When I have a different opinion, I will let it be known.  Maybe you’re wrong and I have the right answer.  I will tell you about it.  Perhaps, you made me mad and you’re better off knowing it rather than me stewing in my quietness just so I don’t make you uncomfortable.

I am JUANA!  Hear me ROAR!

Foodie Update!

Wellllll, the first three days of cooking my own meals has been going well.

And you might says, “Geez, Juana, three days isn’t long enough to tell if you’ve made a difference!”

Well, my friends, I beg to differ.  Usually, hours after my grand proclamations to cook and stop eating out, I start craving fast food.  But, I haven’t eaten out in the past few days.  Not even wanting  it, really.

Sunday night, I made a Turkish dish with basmati rice, mint-cucumber yogurt, pita bread with red pepper hummus, and kofta.  The kofta and yogurt was especially great because I made them from scratch.  I added breadcrumbs, an egg, seasonings, and and fresh mint to ground beef and put it in the blender to mix it up.  Then, I cooked them in olive oil on the stove.  It was so good, I had this three meals in a row.

My second dish was a simple pasta dish with cheese and tomato sauce, penne pasta, and hot Italian sausage.  I also cooked the asparagus I bought over the weekend.  My co-worker, Sarah, who graduated from culinary school, gave me tips on how to cook the asparagus since I’ve never done it before.  I boiled them for 3 minutes, took them out of the water, sprinkled with sea salt and pepper and then sauteed them in butter.  I’m so full, I can barely move off of the couch.

 

I can’t wait to share more of my homemade dishes!  Onward, homecooked meals!  Onward!

 

My Body is a Temple

Hi, my name is Juana.  And I’m a junk food-aholic.  And a fast food-aholic.

Anything with lots of cheese and salt that I didn’t have to cook or clean up.  My mouth waters just thinking about delicious McDoubles, thick shakes, greasy waffle fries, and oily beef tacos.  All of which I can get for a few bucks here and there.

But recently, especially since I got my own car (which means easy access to fast food chains), I realized that I hardly ever – and I mean EVER – cook for myself.  The items in my fridge consist of weeks old milk that I never even opened, spoiled veggies that I swore I’d saute into healthy stir-fry, butter, and leftover pasta that I proudly cooked a week ago.  My dishwasher never gets used, but my trash cans is always filled to the brim with greased spotted paper bags that held my fast food dinner.  My car is filled with receipts from Mickey D’s, Sonic, and 7-11.  And my bank account?  Don’t get my started on my bank account!  I could probably have saved hundreds of dollars a month by driving right past the places that so often call my name enticing me to partake of their foodie goodness.

But looking into my bleak fridge, watching the pile of receipts float into the wind as I open my car door, and my sluggish nature makes me wonder how I could change my eating habits.  I’ve figured three things contribute to my current habits:

1. Convenience (It’s easy; there’s no cleaning involved!)

2. I don’t like cooking for just myself, so I only cook when I’m entertaining others

3.  I really do love eating at restaurants

But, I realize that keeping my body clean will help energize me and protect me against sickness.

I was inspired tonight to go grocery shopping and buy ingredients to cook my meals for the week.  I ended up spending what I would probably spend on three or four days of fast food purchases.  I bought plums, peaches, a bunch of asparagus, sausage, ground beef, and fresh mint among other things.  I couldn’t wait to get home to cook!

Due to the late hour, I didn’t make a whole meal but instead made mint cucumber yogurt (my take on something I ordered at a Turkish restaurant last week) and basmati rice.  For convenience sake, I wanted my food to be prepared for when I actually want to eat it.  I added butter to the rice cooker to flavor the rice.  Everything has been neatly stored in my fridge.  And I’m happy to see my fridge is shaping up.

Later in the week, I plan on making several small ground beef patties with fresh mint and parsley pressed in.  I’ll add it to the rice and mint yogurt for a filling, but light meal.  I also look forward to a pasta dish with penne, tomato rosa sauce, and spicy sausage meatballs.

Do you have a favorite dish that you swear by?  I’d love to know what it is!  And are there ways to keep from eating out too frequently?  Share your tips with me 🙂  I want to be continually inspired to cook on my own and not depend on the convenience of fast food.  I’m sure my body and wallet will thank me.

Here’s to new healthy habits!

Staying Strong: Story of Help in Virginia Beach

It was a lively night in the dining hall of Regent University.  Students gathered to perform inspiring melodies and raw spoken word.  This open mic night, called “Hope ‘N’ Mic, was held to raise awareness of self harm, depression, suicide, and mental illnesses.  Rachel Migliore, a Regent graduate, along with her friend Gwenna Hendrickson, helped organize the event in hopes it would shed light on a very real issues, especially an issue that affected Regent students and Virginia Beach locals within recent years. Kayleigh, a high school student in Virginia Beach, was one of these locals.

Kayleigh was struggling with the stress of high school and feelings of unworthiness.  Kayleigh says, “It was my first year in high school, my grades were horrible.  I had always been on honor roll, last year I went to mostly Ds and I didn’t really fit in.”  The slip in grades and new environment was a lot to handle and, for Kayleigh, the only way to cope was to self harm.  Self harm involves bringing physical pain to oneself in order to focus on that pain instead of emotional and mental anguish.  Self harm often means taking a razor blade and making cuts on the arm or stomach so that the scars can be hidden easily.  Many times, it is this painful catharsis that helps release emotional pain.  This was apparent in Kayleigh’s response:  “I was feeling like I wasn’t really worth much and didn’t have people that really cared about me.  Over all I just hated myself and I thought it was the only thing that I could do to make myself feel anything.”

This year alone, at least thirty-four reports of suicide in Virginia Beach have been recorded and reported by The Pilot Online.  So, how do Virginia Beach residents cope with self harm and suicide awareness?  In 1988, the S.O.S Hampton Roads was founded by Chris Gilchrest, L.C.S.W. in order to provide an outlet for those who have lost a loved one to suicide.  Last year, S.O.S Hampton Roads held their eighth annual Out of Darkness walk and are preparing for the ninth walk in September.

Rachel and Gwenna felt that Regent University needed to be more fervent in awareness and prevention of self harm and suicide.  Rachel says, “I’ve long since dealt with mental health issues, and I was very aware that it was a growing problem on campus.”  She and Gwenna teamed with To Write Love on Her Arms, a national non-profit organization dedicated to “presenting hope for people struggling with addiction, depression, self injury, and thoughts of suicide while also investing directly into treatment and recovery”.  Their partnership brought a “Uchapter” to Regent in 2013.  Their Hope ‘N’ Mic night brought in one hundred guests and raised over two hundred and fifty dollars.  This was a success for the Uchapter as it raised awareness for various issues that were not being discussed openly on campus.  One of Rachel’s primary goals is to let people know they are precious and valuable to the world.  Though she has graduated, the Uchapter is still active at Regent.  She is optimistic that those in the Virginia Beach community and those at Regent will continue to raise awareness for mental health.  She says, “I hope that the Uchapter will really just become a staple of the Regent student community and a place where kids can come to receive support and advice for when they or a friend are going through something. I also hope that it will be a source of education for the community, to fight against the stigma so commonly associated with mental illness and create a culture where it is alright to admit that you’re struggling with something.”

Rachel (right) & Gwenna (left) at a TWLOHA event – photo cred: Lily Robinson

Kayleigh, who wants to attend Regent when she graduates high school next year, knows that there is a way out of the darkness she was once surrounded by.  Kayleigh understands the importance of raising awareness, especially after she sought help from a private counselor.  She follows the Stay Strong movement facilitated by actress and singer, Demi Lovato.  She says, “[Demi] just helped me feel not so alone and showed me how many people go through the same thing that I did.”  Kayleigh also wishes to get a tattoo of an infinity symbol wrapped around the words “stay strong” as a permanent reminder of how she found her way out of her struggles. As the Regent Uchapter, S.O.S. Hampton Roads, and brave students like Kayleigh continue to raise awareness for mental health issues in Virginia Beach, it is important to remember that mental illness and self harm can be treated and treatment starts with recognition.  Small, close-knit groups like Regent’s Uchapter and S.O.S Hampton Roads have begun helping Virginia Beach residents cope with this issue.  It is a great start for an issue that is misunderstood and needs to be discussed within the community.

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